Surrender


sur·ren·der

səˈrendər/
verb
1. cease resistance to an enemy or opponent and submit to their authority.

noun

2. the action of surrendering; capitulation, submission, yielding, succumbing, fall, defeat, resignation

I’m going to add another meaning to this word: To let be.

I feel that we can surrender to many things, but in a good way. It needn’t involve things like: submission, defeat, resignation or giving up. In fact, quite the opposite can be true. Surrendering can simple become – ‘you’ in the moment, letting yourself simply ‘be’ and letting go of everything negative to clear the way so that you can create a new path for yourself.

Just over a week ago, I was in a near head-on car collision.  To be honest, if you’d seen my car (or what’s left of it) you’d think I’d be a lot more injured than I am or…not be here writing this. The doctor who saw me, after seeing a pic of my car, said I was lucky to be alive.

But I am alive and after I collected myself, made sure the other driver was okay, I surrendered to the moment and let it unfold, as it should. I didn’t cry, or panic or get upset. I didn’t see a purpose in that. Yes, I was in shock, but even then, decided to let go of all the feelings I think should have been feeling and remain very calm. I knew it wasn’t entirely my fault and also knew that I couldn’t have anticipated the other driver’s quick decision to change lanes when he did.

However, things with insurance companies are very black and white – so I will be found 100% at fault. I was, after all, turning left. I guess that’s a bad thing…to turn left. 😉

That’s fine. I accept it and surrender to it and do you know what? It feels okay. I feel okay. I bought a new car; I’ll be able to pay it off, soon, and life goes on.

Tomorrow is a tough day; an anniversary of sorts. It will be one year since Bri took his life and I’m not quite sure how I’m going to be, emotionally, so I’m taking the day off.

I’ve decided to surrender to all of my emotions and just let it all flow through me throughout the day. Normally I can’t do this as I’m in an office dealing with clients or home and if ‘P’ is there, I don’t want to burden him with my ‘stuff’. He doesn’t understand it and doesn’t pretend that he does…so he’s quiet about it and keeps his nose out of my grief.

Not because he’s unsympathetic but because he simply hasn’t been through anything like it – EVER. He’s had a pretty easy life, thus far.

I also don’t want him to feel unimportant in my life and talk about Brian 24/7 – that would be unkind, disrespectful and unfair. My past is my past and P is my now and hopefully my future.

I’ll be okay. There will be much meditating and stillness as I sort through memories both good and bad. I will honor him and all those who have this pain and struggle.

I will surrender to this day and to what happened. I cannot change it but I can accept it and see it for the incredible life-changing experience that it was.

What will you surrender to?

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Dealing With an Elderly Parent


Or…in my case, helping my 80-year old mother hook up with a new man by setting her up on a senior’s dating site.

Yup. You read that right. Just because you’re in your twilight years doesn’t mean you don’t get lonely, from time-to-time. My mother gave birth to three kids; I’m the much talked about middle child. And from three offspring only one grandchild sprung forth. Thank you, big Bro for that! As soon as she was born (my niece) I was off the hook!

She’s now nearing 22-years old, lives in Berlin and Nana doesn’t really get to see her a lot. You get the picture.

We DO visit mom, occasionally…but hey, we all have our own lives. I check in regularly and joke about making sure she’s still alive (as in not lying dead on the kitchen floor of a sudden heart attack). Thankfully, she finds this humorous and I’m kidding, but only half kidding.

When you’re 80, anything can happen!

Although I may not be the doting daughter, I do love her dearly and we chat/text on a regular basis. We were never super-duper close but we have an understanding. Also, I’m always available, so when she can’t get a hold of the other two, I’ll always answer her calls or call her back shortly thereafter. The irony that I’m last on her list of calls but the only one who is always available (and reliable) isn’t lost on me, either.

It’s okay, I’m over it. Mostly. Really. *cue my big brother to chime in about me and my middle child issues*

Anyway. I’ve found what looks to be a respectable site (Our Time) and now I have to load pics for her. Once she’s all up and running and getting much wanted emails from suitors, I’ll have to have THE talk with her. She won’t want THE talk. She’ll be snippy and shitty about it, being all insulted that I think she’s stupid, etc., but I’ll have THE talk, nevertheless. I’m bracing myself for the inevitable push-back and arguments I’ll get from her.

She’s already been taken (not financially, thank GAWD) by a scammer on Facebook so I think THE talk is relevant.

And really, this goes for every woman out there who is online dating, not just my vivacious Mother.

  1. Don’t bother with anyone who isn’t local.
  2. This is how to spot a scammer: (list all obvious traits).
  3. Always, ALWAYS meet someone in a public place.
  4. NEVER give out your phone number first – let them provide theirs and when you do give a phone number, DON’T give out your home one, give them your cell #. That way if they’re a creep, you can easily block them and they can’t look you up on 411 to get your address, etc.
  5. Find out their full name before you meet them – do a little internet research to see if they’re real and who they say they are. No, this isn’t cyber stalking, it’s necessary homework to keep you safe.
  6. Let your daughters know (or your son, pick one of us) when you’re going on a blind date – when/time, who it is….etc. Call us when you get home! If you don’t we’ll worry sick about you.

I don’t want to cramp her style, by any means, but my younger sis used to make me text her the license plate # of the guy who I was meeting in case I went missing… I wasn’t pissy about it, I thought it was cute and hey, you can’t be too safe.

An 80-year old woman is much more vulnerable than a 50-year old one. And, she’s my mom; I take no chances.

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Laughter and the Disturbance Of


My mother sent me an email that I found (in the moment) hysterically funny. Sitting next to the New Man, I burst out laughing and rather loudly at that. He got pissed off and annoyed at me disturbing his serenity as God forbid I make a noise.

I suspect he’s in a pissy mood and I suppose my sudden cackle would shock anyone but hey…not like I intended to care the crap out of him by laughing out loud. The heinous noise was but a few seconds of disrespecting the quiet but he definitely wasn’t impressed. Now, had I planned to be LOUD, I’d have apologized but the burst of chuckles simply escaped me. There was really nothing I could do about it.

Given that I’ve spent the last nearly 11 months crying daily over Brian’s death, I think I’ll forgive myself for this terrible act.

Plus…it’s MY apartment. I can do as I please.

So there.

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Tell Me What You’re Feeling


I had a little tiff with the New Man, this morning. He does something that bothers me and I’m not sure how to deal with it or… if he’s willing to adjust. It’s a minor thing but when something bothers us, we should be able to talk about it in a kind/non-accusing way without repercussion. We’re adults who are in love, after all.

So, I mentioned it in the kindest way but said…’this bothers me’ and maybe we can (insert solution here). His response was that what he was doing was perfectly OK, as in…he didn’t see anything wrong with it and BTW, maybe I’d like him to leave and not come back.

O.o

WRONG ANSWER.

In fact, VERY wrong answer. I was quite taken aback and couldn’t speak for a few moments. Being the sensitive Pisces that he is, he caught on immediately that this may not have been a wise move and insisted on finding out if I was ‘mad at him’ and wanted to discuss it right then and there. I wasn’t angry, but I was extremely hurt.

He essentially did a 360 degree turn and I’m sure his thoughts were: Oh, shit, I really shouldn’t have said that.

I do believe that my reaction would have been very different had I NOT been dealing with menopausal hot flashes all night and my late boyfriend had NOT killed himself over another woman not quite 11 months ago. I think I would have stood my ground and asked quite bluntly: if this is what he wanted and why would he resort so such extreme measures?

But that’s not how it went down. I was caught up in serious emotions of unworthiness and abandonment. I promptly burst into tears at the thought of, once again, not being good enough or mattering enough to someone. In my miserable little mind, my reasoning was that if it only takes this little thing to have someone threaten to leave me, I must not mean very much to them and this takes me all the way back in time to the initial issue of my father leaving us. Fun stuff, eh?

Of course, this isn’t how he really feels and as we sometimes do, we over react and say mean things we really shouldn’t because we don’t like the thought of having to change our ways to make someone else comfortable. Whoops, filter wasn’t on between my brain and my mouth – sorry about that.

It’s not something insurmountable by any means and I don’t want someone to think I’m trying to tell them what to do…but if we’re bothered by something, if we don’t speak up in a polite and loving way, it will fester and grow into resentment. Trust me on this one.

We resolved the situation quickly before it had a chance to get out of hand and everything is well. He also promised to never say that again. My ex-husband used to point to the door every time I wanted to discuss issues and yell: If you don’t like it, there’s the door!!

Oh, hello door! Let me show you how I can open you and walk out of this situation!

And, I did – much to his shock, but that’s another story. 😉

So tell me, what are YOU feeling? Do you have a problem expressing yourself in your relationship when something is bothering you? Are you met with resistance or are you able to talk things out with relative ease?

Curious minds want to know.

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