It’s been a long time since I posed here. Not because I have nothing to say or share, but because working full-time and going to school full-time, is exhausting. I have so very little time left for other things like a life. However, after back-to-back diplomas for the past 2-years, I’m nearly there. That said, there is stuff going on (lots of stuff) and today is a day I’ll always remember.

Today is the day I lost a friend with help from Medical Assistance in Dying. Terry had been suffering from and living with leukemia since I met him, and I suspect, several years before that. All in all, I think 12-years? I’m not entirely sure. The last 4+ years he’s been bed-ridden and in intense pain with all sorts of other complications that come with cancer. I don’t blame him for his decision, one bit, and I dare say I’d do the same were I in his shoes.

But here’s the thing, it’s still hard. It’s still a loss and it’s very much still grief. It’s also extremely surreal because this is a new’ish thing, here in Canada, and I’ve never gone through this, before. It touches on all of my triggers relating to suicide but then gently brushes off of them like dew on petals because I have a clear answer to the burning question of ‘why’.

My thoughts turn to Brian and my worry that this option will be available to those with mental illnesses, next year. I’m on the fence with ‘choosing’ to die because of things like depression when we lack so much accessibility in mental health and awareness. The stigma is alive and well regarding our mental wellbeing. Would Brian have chosen MAiD had he been able to have that choice? I don’t know because he professed that he really didn’t want to die but couldn’t see an alternative.

Terry, however, very much wanted to end his suffering and thus, his life. His prognosis was grim and was only going to get worse. He would have died from the cancer had he chosen to wait it out. He couldn’t see the point in that. His body was breaking down, he had myalgic encephalomyelitis (chronic fatigue syndrome), issues with his liver and a lot of pain that couldn’t be managed.

He told me his news at the end of May so I had approx. 2 months to get used to the idea. Over the years we’d corresponded here and there. I haven’t physically seen him for about 8 years. He was an amazing photographer, and his wife was a wonderful and creative cook. Between the two of them, she whipped up scrumptious meals, presented them in a beautiful way and he took incredible pictures of them, featuring them in a soft, warm, and mouth-watering light.

He was also a writer and had several books on Amazon. They seem to be no longer available but perhaps his wife will change that at some point. Either way, he was a wonderful person; even though our correspondence was sporadic throughout the years, we always had fun catching up via email and sharing what was going on in each other’s lives.

Terry was kind and warm. He was smart and funny; the few times I met him, I enjoyed his company and tips and tricks on photography. I’m sharing his story because by end of year, I’ll be an RTC (Registered Therapeutic Counsellor) and at some point, I may be working with a person who chooses MAiD. Until now, I wasn’t sure how I’d handle it and perhaps there will be some triggers/transference or countertransference. Either way, I will show up and be present. I will hold space, bring plenty of empathy and fill the sessions with compassion. I’ll be there, thinking fondly of Terry, for any client who chooses not to suffer and wants to leave this world on their own terms.

Until we meet again, Terry. Safe travels to the other side, my dear sweet friend. I send you my gratitude and a lot of love.

You are already missed.

xo.