Two Years Later


I blog a lot about Brian and how his suicide changed my life. However, this post isn’t so much about Bri, but more on how those changes have taken root and grown in the past (almost) two years.

It’s a little early as it’s two months away but the closer I get to the date, the harder it becomes, emotionally. Today, however, today I can write/talk about what’s happened in the span of almost 24 months.

Firstly, it DOES get easier. It really does. Not a lot, but I’ll take any tiny bit of peace I can get. It’s not that I still don’t think of him every day or get weepy when a song on the radio comes on that reminds me of him…but it’s a little less. I feel I’ve turned a corner on this grief and I wanted to share that with you.

If you’d met me pre-Brian and today, you’d definitely know that I’ve changed as a person – for the good and not so good.

I find that, for nice people, I’m more willing to do just about anything, should they ask. For jerks, I have zero tolerance and I tend to lose my temper, a lot. I’m mindful of my meltdowns and, for the most part, I can calm myself and not fall apart when something makes me irate.

From what I understand, this is still part of processing what happened. It’s getting less and daily meditation is helping.

I find that I’ve become an advocate, of sorts, and will not tolerate any jokes towards mental illness. I’m extremely sensitive towards people talking flippantly about suicide but I’ve also become more aware and caring as an individual. I do what I can for my fellow human and I find that I will cry, easily, over sad or touching pictures/events/videos/etc.

I FINALLY know what I want to be when I grow up! Yes, it’s taken 51 years, but better late than never, right? Had you told me I was going to be a Life Coach? I would have asked: what’s a Life Coach??

I believe in myself (my abilities) a whole bunch more, but my self-esteem still needs some work. No matter how many times my sweetheart assures me I’m NOT fat, ugly, old…(insert every female insecurity here) I have a hard time believing it’s true. Pre-Brian, I was pretty certain I was doing really well and for 49, thought I was hawt! Now, I’m not so sure how I feel about ‘me’. Part of it has to do with that Woman, whom he was still smitten with and who broke his heart (which lead to his premature demise)… and part of it has to do with getting older. Starting Menopause has not been a whole hell of a lot of fun, I can tell you that.

Two years ago, I was doing very well at my job, LOVED it, in fact, and was kinda proud of myself for doing well and being finally debt-free. I really liked myself and knew I was in a good space for a lasting relationship with the right person. I didn’t have any baggage, was saving to buy a place and felt I had a lot to offer.

Today, I’m actually financially even better off (thanks to Brian’s life insurance) but other than having a great down payment for a home and paying off the new car I bought (after I accidentally murdered the old one in a bad accident), the money means nothing to me. It’s not that I don’t appreciate it, that’s not it at all. I really do!

It’s just that money, in general, doesn’t = success/fun, any more. It’s necessary and I need/want it, but it’s just kinda there. Prior to this tragedy, had I come across a large sum of cash, I’d be planning trips and having an awesome time but maybe because I didn’t ‘earn’ this money and because of the circumstances around it, it seems like I shouldn’t spend any of it on anything other than stuff that’s necessary (car/home).

Funny story – when I went to pay off my car loan, the loan clerk looked at me and said (knowing that I’d gotten the cash from an inheritance): Congratulations!!

I just stared at her in disbelief thinking how what I’d do/give/sell (my soul??) to have Brian back. She finally figure out that this wasn’t a ‘happy’ inheritance (what ones ever are?!) and said her condolences for my loss. Idiot.

Today, I appreciate my career but believe it’s not what I’m supposed to do. Today, it’s not about feeding my bank account but feeding my soul and my urgent need to help others.

Two years ago, I ‘may’ have been a tiny bit arrogant. Today ‘humble’ is my middle name. I have a hard time NOT being empathetic to people that, in the past, I would never be. Although, if you say or imply anything bad towards Brian or mental illness (of any sort) the claws come out, quick.

They are quite sharp and lethal, I assure you.

Two years ago, I couldn’t have imagined meeting someone like Pete who is the first man in I-don’t-know-how-many-years…whom I actually BELIEVE is truly in love with me. Seriously, he adores me rotten and I don’t know how I’d be doing, now, without him – me this broken, fragile remanence of a woman.I’m surprised he stuck it out; life with me isn’t always easy.

I needed someone with really BIG LOVE to come into my life…just as Brian needed the same from me. Funny how that works, isn’t it? I helped him, even if he took his life, anyway, I think he stuck around a little while longer because he knew I loved him so VERY much.

Sometimes BIG love is enough, sometimes it isn’t.

I get it now, Spirit, thank you for that lesson.

Two years ago, if you’d told me that I’ve have my own website, little business, and be planning to completely change careers, mid-life, I wouldn’t have believed you.

Two years ago, if you’d told me that I’d come out as a Psychic Medium, I would have burst out laughing. Today, it’s just part of my everyday life.

Two years ago, just before I met Brian, I was really lonely and wondered if I’d EVER find someone to live the rest of my life with. Today, the man I love not only lives with me, but I can’t imagine a day where I wouldn’t wake up next to him. He doesn’t fill the hole that Brian left (it’s a rather large one) but, instead, fills my whole heart with love and joy. I couldn’t be more thankful for him.

Two years ago, I was just going along …living life and not really paying too much attention.

Today, I live in every moment, pay attention to everything and feel blessed for every hurt/tear/sob/scar; because without these, I wouldn’t have grown. I wouldn’t have known the plight of those who are suffering (mostly in silence) with mental illnesses and I wouldn’t have discovered what I really had in me, as a Soul, having a very HUMAN experience.

So yeah, I’m grateful…almost two years later. xosuicide7-copy

 

 

 

 

 

 

Coming Out Ahead


It’s a constant struggle to always be ‘on top’. To be that achiever, the one who always attains. But let me ask you; who are you attaining for? It’s great to always hit your sales target and make some cash, but we all know that quotas will continue to go up and who really reaps the rewards for that?

I’ll give you a hint; it’s not you.

At some point you’ll plateau and when you’re no longer the Favourite and someone else is; being an achiever takes on a whole new meaning because all those times when you’ve missed the mark and you didn’t land at the top? All eyes will be on you but not always in a good way.

“Gee, Josh, I see you were beat out by Shelly, last month. Why do you think that is? Did you not make enough calls? Book enough appointments? Work long enough hours? You’re disappointing us, Josh, because we thought for sure you’d keep on bringing home the magic. Why not not take a look at what you’re doing wrong and see what you need to do to fix it.”

Sound familiar? I’ve had these discussions. I had one boss wait (for months, it turned out) for someone to get ahead of me in sales for North America before she had a ‘reason’ to fire me. The reason? I was selling less than everyone else.

For. One. Day. I was 2nd in sales for….a whole day.  It must have just about killed her to always find me on top when she checked the sales pipeline from half way across the globe (hourly). This is what happens when people are threatened by you. You’re better off without them and they actually did you a really big favour.

Let’s take a step back, here, and pull out the stereotypical corporate scenario and really look at YOUR life. Yes, your LIFE.

Does your day job define you? Does it determine whether or not you’re a successful overall human being? Will you burst into flames if your boss shits on you for stupid little things because she’s got nothing better to do?

NO.

You are so very much more than how much you make for a corporation and how much you line the pockets of high up executives that don’t give a crap about your wellbeing.

If you can survive in the fast-paced, ever changing world of day-to-day 21st Century (non) ethical business practices…then, my friend, you’ve come out ahead. If you haven’t had a nervous breakdown and suffered from panic attacks or become depressed because no matter how much effort you put in, you’re not getting any return, and oh BOY, you’ll be hearing about it in your weekly meeting with your boss, you’ve come out ahead.

You are here, presently, right now…in the very moment – only to fully experience yourself in this 3D Universe Nothing more. And the Universe doesn’t expect anything from you. Nope. All you gotta do is show up.

Perhaps it’s not that simply but it’s damn close.

I find it’s super easy to get caught up in all the BS and even get lost in it. Don’t make this mistake because YOU are actually in charge of YOUR life. Yes, you are.

I’m going to be writing a serious of posts on how to manifest what you need in your life and essentially how to create and design your own path. I’m currently in the midst of doing this, myself, so this will be an on-going story of how this is going. Thus far, in my life, and I can say for the past 20+ years, I’ve managed to manifest a lot of things. Some of these things turned out to be not such a good idea (more on that, later) but for the most part, I was pretty darn successful at my manifestations. *hint: just be careful what you ask for…

My life isn’t perfect but it’s what I wanted at the time I did my creating so it remains in the state in which I created it. It’s time for some really BIG changes which I’m currently working on but these things take effort and time. You can’t turn around a Cruise Ship on a dime yet once you’re on the right heading, you absolutely can come out ahead.

Stay tuned and don’t touch that dial.

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Changing Course


I deal with so many companies that are scary disorganized, have lower productivity due to outdated procedures or worse…no procedures at all. You can’t believe how many times I hear: that’s too big a learning curve for us, we can’t adapt to change, yes, we don’t have any standardization but we’ve been doing this for so long that it’s adequate.

Really? All you want to be is…adequate? That’s it? That’s your company goal?

You should deal with ABC Company because we’re really awesome at being adequate!

That’s pathetic. How the hell are you still managing to stay in business? I think with pure luck and by the Grace of God.

But even God gets fed up and luck runs out, eventually.

While I can make a minimal a difference as a sales gal (even if my products will help improve everything) –perhaps I’m attacking this at the wrong juncture?

It’s mindset that needs to change long before software will. One needs to start with belief and work from there. If you believe you can’t change (even if it will benefit you), you won’t. If you are scared of change, one needs only to shine a light on the darkness that you think you’re living in to show you a safe and easy route. If you’re too lazy to change,there is no hope for you and you should either retire and go fishing or go and work at some mindless job where you don’t have to think.

In essence, are you a quitter or are you a mover and shaker? Now, I don’t measure success in how much $$ you have or how many great and wonderful things you have. That is irrelevant to making a positive difference and taking yourself (or your company) from A to Z. This involves a great deal of things but mostly, it involves mindset and then commitment.

This is why I’ve decided that I really need to be trained on how to be a Life Coach. Not specifically to help companies…but to start small with individuals and build from there.

It only takes one domino to tip the point and all the others will follow. If you’re not on the right path, it’s time to change direction and adjust your headings.

domino with hand

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A Funny Thing Happened in Life, Today…


I’m on a work conference call and I usually dial in via my laptop. I always, always, always check to make sure that the mic is on MUTE. As it turns out, the ‘mute’ click didn’t work. This, despite me double and triple checking. It simply wasn’t going to comply – but, I honestly thought it did!

That dirty rotten mic scoundrel. And, just my luck, too.

Everything is going along fine and I’m not saying or doing anything so I don’t notice and neither do the other 50 people on the call.

That is…until…

My phone rings.

I promptly put mute my laptop speakers (THEY are working just fine, thank you very much) and carry on with my call. I ‘could’ have disengaged from the conference call with work (and really I would have missed nothing) but I didn’t. What we SHOULD have done and actually DID, in life, often give us all sorts of insight into why we do or don’t do things.

Anyway. I fucked up and didn’t log off when I should have and because my speakers were muted just fine, I didn’t hear the screaming and yelling from the speakers telling me to hang the hell up.

Damn it.

Seconds later, when the call ends, my boss’s boss chides me like a naughty 5th grader and all I can do in my head is wonder how the hell the mic didn’t mute when I was SOOOO sure that it did. Really, he was pissed and all I can think of is: I’m SURE I muted it, how could this happen?

He went on and on and I think he may have thought I was lying. I’m not sure what that would have accomplished as why wouldn’t I mute my mic?

“It was very disruptive.” he says.

“Yes,” I thought… “I bet it was!”

I can imagine there were a lot of pissed off people for approx. 5 min of today. I can imagine that had ‘I’ been on that call, I would have wanted to reach out and slap that person! But hey…now I’ll be much more understanding. I’m sure this is my lesson. I’d have rolled my eyes at ‘me’ …had I not been ME and didn’t realize what was going on.

Even though I’d apologized 3 x (4 in total) at one point, the Big Boss still felt he needed to drive his point home. I’m not sure what that point was because once I realized this error, you can bet your bottom dollar it’s NEVER going to EVER happen again. I can see if I were a repeat offender but I’m not.

As well, can we do anything about it now? No. Just tell me what happened so that I don’t make this mistake again. I get it, it wasn’t a good thing but it wasn’t horrible, either. I didn’t shoot anyone – I made a human error.

Bawling me out isn’t going to make one bit of difference because he knows I’m already embarrassed and seeing as I apologized many times, he knows I’m regretful.

Then (after the FORTH apology) he says….have a great rest of your day. I told him seeing as I wasn’t going to be on any further WebEx conference calls, I suspected that I would. I don’t think he found that funny…

So yeah, THAT happened.

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Today’s Lesson Was Brought To You By the Letter A


“A” for Anxiety.

It’s been a hellish workday. It’s not over by a long shot but I’ve been reminded by the Universe that despite all the shit that went down and could still go down…

Nothing.

Nothing can compare to May 11th 2015 when Brian decided to take his life.

Nothing will EVER be or could ever be as bad as that. So, thank you Universe for putting life back into perspective for  me.

You may now return to your regular scheduled programming.

The Line


There’s a fine line when dealing with internal and external clients. I’ve been doing what I do for 28 years and I think I’m pretty good at it. One of the things I’ve learned along the way is that no matter what, your customers are everything.

Sometimes, this means getting on the nerves of those ‘internal’ clients. These are your fellow co-workers that you need on your side, to do your job. Usually, they play in the technical, accounting or HR field. They also don’t ‘get’ sales people. Often, they’re not really client-centric. I find this funny because without customers, companies are nothing.

So. I will push the envelope with various team members to ultimately better fulfill our client’s needs. At times, this is necessary as much is at stake. It’s not all about getting the sale, for me. It’s about customer satisfaction, long-term relationship building, trust and yes, my reputation is tossed in there, too.

I not only sell software solutions, I sell engineering solutions and this means….a high-end project that needs to be managed, massaged, hugged and babysat.

I don’t actually manage the projects but sometimes the project managers need a little…nudge?

I’m always polite, but yes, people get pissed off at my tenacity. I really don’t care. It’s not about them.

You’re busy. I get that. I’m busy, the client is busy, the whole friggin’ planet is busy!

You’re not special by saying you’re busy. That’s an excuse for poor time management. Work smarter not harder, remember?

I may piss a few team members off, now and then, but I get the job done. I bring value to the client (especially after they’ve just spent $60K and are looking to spend about $60K more).

I CARE. I care about doing good business and making sure everyone is happy.

I usually get my way. People forgive that I nudged them (which is really just code for following up).

Client is happy. I’m happy. Technical Project Manager is getting over it and will be happy…

I walk the line.

It’s a fine line but life is good.

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