Today I’m wearing a pretty yellow dress that a friend had made for me and I, initially, bought it for you. I picked yellow because that’s your favourite colour. I planned to wear it for you when you were still here in this world; now I’ll be wearing it to your Celebration of Life.
I was invited to go to Bali. Then I was un-invited…sort of. The whole thing was disappointing and I ran around like mad trying to put everything into place so I could go. I would have, too, but the person who invited me didn’t really think I’d say ‘yes’. When he realized I was serious about the offer, he back-peddled like mad and then talked both himself and inevitably –me- out of it.
People are always underestimating me. I think you did, too. I don’t think you believed that I’d stick around and be there for you, considering what was going on and who you made this all about. This person whom you couldn’t live with and didn’t think you could live without. It was all a façade to deeper issues…of not loving/liking yourself enough to believe you didn’t need arm candy but a more substantial/meaningful and lasting relationship. The kind you had before you met her.
I get it. You had this super hot girl who everyone wanted and YOU had her. With her, you felt good because if you could score such a pretty and young girl, well then…you just may not be the ogre your mind was telling you – you were.
She made you feel special, she pretended to love you and you fell for that. But, most of all, you wanted to ‘please her’ …because that’s what you do. She’d build you up and then tear you down. It was a pattern that you got used to.
It was all superficial and superfluous. It was all to do with your battered and broken self-worth from God knows when and God only knows what and why. Understand this; long before I even met you – long before you met her.
You were loved.
You were beautiful.
You were funny and treasured and wonderful.
You were exceptional.
You were brilliant and creative and talented.
You were attentive and sweet and had a heart the size of a city.
Today, as I wear yellow, you are very missed… and still – very loved. You are cherished by so many and you will be with us for all of our lives.
In the spring air, when the cherry blossoms are snowing down onto the streets, in the midnight rain…drumming on my flat apartment roof. You’ll be in the morning sunrise and in the evening starlight.
I will see you and do see you, everywhere…
Today I wear yellow. Today I can’t think of anyone but you.