I had a little tiff with the New Man, this morning. He does something that bothers me and I’m not sure how to deal with it or… if he’s willing to adjust. It’s a minor thing but when something bothers us, we should be able to talk about it in a kind/non-accusing way without repercussion. We’re adults who are in love, after all.
So, I mentioned it in the kindest way but said…’this bothers me’ and maybe we can (insert solution here). His response was that what he was doing was perfectly OK, as in…he didn’t see anything wrong with it and BTW, maybe I’d like him to leave and not come back.
In fact, VERY wrong answer. I was quite taken aback and couldn’t speak for a few moments. Being the sensitive Pisces that he is, he caught on immediately that this may not have been a wise move and insisted on finding out if I was ‘mad at him’ and wanted to discuss it right then and there. I wasn’t angry, but I was extremely hurt.
He essentially did a 360 degree turn and I’m sure his thoughts were: Oh, shit, I really shouldn’t have said that.
I do believe that my reaction would have been very different had I NOT been dealing with menopausal hot flashes all night and my late boyfriend had NOT killed himself over another woman not quite 11 months ago. I think I would have stood my ground and asked quite bluntly: if this is what he wanted and why would he resort so such extreme measures?
But that’s not how it went down. I was caught up in serious emotions of unworthiness and abandonment. I promptly burst into tears at the thought of, once again, not being good enough or mattering enough to someone. In my miserable little mind, my reasoning was that if it only takes this little thing to have someone threaten to leave me, I must not mean very much to them and this takes me all the way back in time to the initial issue of my father leaving us. Fun stuff, eh?
Of course, this isn’t how he really feels and as we sometimes do, we over react and say mean things we really shouldn’t because we don’t like the thought of having to change our ways to make someone else comfortable. Whoops, filter wasn’t on between my brain and my mouth – sorry about that.
It’s not something insurmountable by any means and I don’t want someone to think I’m trying to tell them what to do…but if we’re bothered by something, if we don’t speak up in a polite and loving way, it will fester and grow into resentment. Trust me on this one.
We resolved the situation quickly before it had a chance to get out of hand and everything is well. He also promised to never say that again. My ex-husband used to point to the door every time I wanted to discuss issues and yell: If you don’t like it, there’s the door!!
Oh, hello door! Let me show you how I can open you and walk out of this situation!
And, I did – much to his shock, but that’s another story. 😉
So tell me, what are YOU feeling? Do you have a problem expressing yourself in your relationship when something is bothering you? Are you met with resistance or are you able to talk things out with relative ease?
Curious minds want to know.
it all goes back to that post on communicating. i’ve come to think that we’re so conditioned to communicating in the way we know how through the sum of the people we’ve been with. i had no idea how wrongly i was communicating with people until i got clear of what i felt were toxic relationships in my life. when i saw how other more enlightened people communicated, it was like a breath of fresh air.
the wife and i make it a point to communicate as clearly as possible. we’re both at an age now where we feel like there’s no reason to overestimate one another’s intuition. so if there’s an argument brewing, we just figuratively dump the hot stew out all over the kitchen floor and get to cleaning.
i hope you’ve gotten things settled with the new man. the meme with the fire alarm made me really laugh so i don’t blame you for breaking into a loud cackle. i even saved the picture!
I totally agree. New Man and I sorted everything out. 🙂 It’s a new’ish relationship and we spend A LOT of time, together, so we’re bound to butt heads occasionally. I got chocolate out of the deal. 😉
I think we should all cackle more! haha..