Monthly Archives: May 2016

Change

Posted by fragmentedpoet on

For the most part, I adore change. I think that’s why I move around so much. For the longest time I thought it was because I’m not grounded, or lack stability. Neither are true. I just like to change things up.

From my experience, though, most are no like me. In fact, some people don’t do well with change at all. I have an older brother who finds it nearly paralyzing when it happens to him. He’s lived in the same home (rented) for over 20 years. It’s like he’s taken root there. It’s not the best place for him to be, in my opinion, but it’s familiar to him and it’s home. He started renting it before his daughter was born. She’s nearly 22-years old.

I used to think it’s older generations (Baby Boomers and Traditionalists) that abhor change; I would be incorrect. Plenty of Gen X and Gen Y folks hate it just as much.

It’s inevitable, though, isn’t it?

EveryTHING changes. At first it may even appear that it’s a bad thing – and sometimes it is…for us…but in the end, something had to give, flow wasn’t happening thus changes were made. Some, life and death changes.

Over the past year that has been substantial changes in me. I can’t say that I wasn’t moving towards this path but if I was hesitant, before, I’m solidly walking the walk, now. Some changes are outside of you but many are within. Most of my changes are taking place internally. It’s quite something to track.

I’m starting to feel life is more like a fun adventure rather than some jostling ride I’m stuck on for the next ‘x’ number of years. There were times when I wondered when I’d be able to get off, I know some that chose to do so prematurely; I don’t recommend it.

I believe once you fully grasp that you really DO design your own life and can attract all sorts of cool and good things, it becomes so much easier and rewarding. Then, change is just damn fun and you’re going to crave it.

“What next?! “ You’ll say.

Now, change doesn’t have to be drastic or uproot your entire life. It could be something quite simple like discovered a new route to work, or taking that course you’ve always wanted to. Or…attracting new and exciting people into your life that you can learn cool things from.

Every. Single. Time. I’ve lost or left a job, I’ve gone on to find something a whole lot better. Life is like that. Life WANTS you to be happy and there are tons of resources out there to help you to become what you were always meant to be. Most of the stuff I find online and that I learn from are free. It doesn’t have to cost you anything, this change…

In fact, a good old-fashioned change of direction can lead to all sorts of cool stuff – like prosperity.

I get that some changes, at first, can cause complete devastation and chaos in your life. That’s when you need to be kind to yourself and be reminded that there is a bigger picture and you’ll get there – it’s a process.

Take death of a loved one…or pet, for example. It’s a terrible thing but inevitable. We are all going to the Other Side at some point. And this brings changes and a crap-load of pain to go along with it. You’ll get through it; trust me on this one.

Bear with yourself. See it through and look for that silver lining because it’s there. It is…really. One day you may find another beautiful little animal soul who needs your love and care. The one you sent on may even help with that.

But the most difficult change you’ll ever have to do is change yourself or some major aspect of your life.

All change is difficult, at first, but in the end, a necessary part of our life adventures to fully embrace and experience all that this little world has to offer.

Remember to breathe. Find your courage and go along for the exquisite ride.

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I Believe

Posted by fragmentedpoet on

I believe in happy endings. Someone once said to me that relationships always ends badly –  either with someone being hurt by ending the relationship or by someone dying.

I have an answer for that and I think it’s incorrect.

If your partner chooses to leave you – I will guarantee it’s for the best and that there is something or someone BETTER waiting for you. Thus, a new beginning and not really an ending at all. Think of it as a road trip where you turned right instead of left, got lost for a bit, but found your way back onto the right path. Whew!

When we ‘die’ only our body does…so we WILL see each other again in spirit. See? Not an ending at all…just a little vacation, Earthside. It’s just that one of you went home early and the other chose to stick around for a bit before packing it in and heading back.

There are no endings. Only a continuous circle. It’s our Ego that sees things ‘ending’, not our Spirit. Let’s not confuse the two. We are eternal beings. The word eternal means: without beginning or end. We always were and always will be. We come from Source (or GOD). We are part of – belonging to and attached to Source. Think of us as cells in a body, individual but could not exist without it.

Life, here, is what you make it so you may as well make a difference while being the best human you can be. From this comes happy endings.

Remember that.

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The One That Got Away

Posted by fragmentedpoet on

One of Brian’s guilty pleasures was bubblegum pop music. He had a soft spot for Taylor Swift. Not a crush, mind you, but somehow he related…he was ever a young spirit.

I have no idea if he liked Katy Perry but I’m sure he’ll appreciate the sentiment.

This one is for you, Brian Norman Caffelle. Today I remember, today I honour YOU.

In another life; we’ll try this again. I’m looking forward to it. XO

Surrender

Posted by fragmentedpoet on

sur·ren·der

səˈrendər/
verb
1. cease resistance to an enemy or opponent and submit to their authority.

noun

2. the action of surrendering; capitulation, submission, yielding, succumbing, fall, defeat, resignation

I’m going to add another meaning to this word: To let be.

I feel that we can surrender to many things, but in a good way. It needn’t involve things like: submission, defeat, resignation or giving up. In fact, quite the opposite can be true. Surrendering can simple become – ‘you’ in the moment, letting yourself simply ‘be’ and letting go of everything negative to clear the way so that you can create a new path for yourself.

Just over a week ago, I was in a near head-on car collision.  To be honest, if you’d seen my car (or what’s left of it) you’d think I’d be a lot more injured than I am or…not be here writing this. The doctor who saw me, after seeing a pic of my car, said I was lucky to be alive.

But I am alive and after I collected myself, made sure the other driver was okay, I surrendered to the moment and let it unfold, as it should. I didn’t cry, or panic or get upset. I didn’t see a purpose in that. Yes, I was in shock, but even then, decided to let go of all the feelings I think should have been feeling and remain very calm. I knew it wasn’t entirely my fault and also knew that I couldn’t have anticipated the other driver’s quick decision to change lanes when he did.

However, things with insurance companies are very black and white – so I will be found 100% at fault. I was, after all, turning left. I guess that’s a bad thing…to turn left. 😉

That’s fine. I accept it and surrender to it and do you know what? It feels okay. I feel okay. I bought a new car; I’ll be able to pay it off, soon, and life goes on.

Tomorrow is a tough day; an anniversary of sorts. It will be one year since Bri took his life and I’m not quite sure how I’m going to be, emotionally, so I’m taking the day off.

I’ve decided to surrender to all of my emotions and just let it all flow through me throughout the day. Normally I can’t do this as I’m in an office dealing with clients or home and if ‘P’ is there, I don’t want to burden him with my ‘stuff’. He doesn’t understand it and doesn’t pretend that he does…so he’s quiet about it and keeps his nose out of my grief.

Not because he’s unsympathetic but because he simply hasn’t been through anything like it – EVER. He’s had a pretty easy life, thus far.

I also don’t want him to feel unimportant in my life and talk about Brian 24/7 – that would be unkind, disrespectful and unfair. My past is my past and P is my now and hopefully my future.

I’ll be okay. There will be much meditating and stillness as I sort through memories both good and bad. I will honor him and all those who have this pain and struggle.

I will surrender to this day and to what happened. I cannot change it but I can accept it and see it for the incredible life-changing experience that it was.

What will you surrender to?

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What Are We Really Here to Do?

Posted by fragmentedpoet on

I’m supposed to be working. I’m supposed to be working and selling but I simply can’t get into it.

In a week, last year, my beloved boyfriend took his life and I simply can’t get past that until I get ‘past’ May 11th. It will happen, I’m sure.

A few days ago, I totaled my car. I was turning left on a very busy intersection and a large pick-up truck changed lanes, as I was turning and…WHAMO! A near head on collision that spun my little red Yaris hatchback around so violently that I was now facing the opposite direction.

I am more or less okay; Scarlett (my little red Yaris) isn’t. My first inclination after moaning because I was in a bit of pain and shock, was to want to move my car out of the way so that I didn’t cause issues in traffic. There I was, wondering just how the hell it all happened and I was worried I was ‘in the way’ of other people.

I started my car (not knowing the real damage, yet) and it started, alright, but made a terrible thumping noise and I smelled smoke. Not good.

Shortly thereafter the driver of the truck rushed out to see if I was okay. Both this young man and his truck fared a hell of a lot better than me. I tried the passenger door because it looked a little dented – but have no idea why I would bother with this. It was stuck. I climbed out of the proper door, said I was alright and then realized just what a mess I was in.

After all of this, I got to thinking; what am I here to do? What gives? What’s the deal?

Then I realized I’m not here to ‘do’ anything. I’m here to BE. That’s all that is required of me.

Just BE. Be myself, be anything I want to be but BE in the moment and understand it’s the experience of that which matters. BE a decent human being, BE loving, BE giving, BE the best damn person I can be.

Simple.

I’ve been putting my life (or trying to) back together since last year and maybe it’s not meant to go back. Maybe it’s meant to be a little scattered around for the time being until it morphs into something completely different. Perhaps I should BE more focused on the here and now rather than on that terrible thing that happened last year.

Oddly, this was one of the many issues that Brian struggled with. He simply couldn’t stop ‘doing’ (mostly trying to understand why his ex-girlfriend walked out on him) and simple ‘be’ – be with me…be with life and be with himself, most of all.

There are so many lessons I’m learning on this journey. I dare say I’m not even close to being finished.

justbe

What do you see?

Posted by fragmentedpoet on

11 days.

I seem to have begun a countdown to that tragic day, a year ago, when that really bad thing happened.

I’m not sure why I’m doing it but part of me wishes I wouldn’t torture myself with it. Yet…here I am, being some sort of masochist – reliving every moment.

I asked him, once: What did he see when he looked at me?

This was during his time in the PAU (psychiatric assessment unit) and all he could think about was “Her” – the woman who crushed his heart, the one from whom the only escape from pain, he believed, was death.

He looked at me completely dumbfounded and stuttered, shaking his head as he stared in disbelief at my question.

I wanted to know just what I meant to him at that point because here I was giving 1000% of myself to someone who was still lost in another relationship from his past. The woman in question was ignoring him and really didn’t want anything to do with him. Had she, I suspect I may have been tossed aside, but I can’t confirm that for sure.

I was feeling like quite the third wheel, yet I was also very much in love and trying with all my might to save this man’s life. I wasn’t about to abandon him and I swore to him that I’d never leave him during what would be the worst time in his life.

I kept that promise.

He could never tell me what he saw when he looked at me and I’m convinced he never really saw me for who I was or realized just what I had to offer. I think on the last day he may have had an idea but it wasn’t enough to keep him here.

I’m not complaining because I understand he was coming from a place of complete darkness and depression. His headspace wasn’t like anything a normal person would understand. His perception of the world was so skewed that I’m not even sure he was functioning to full capacity even though he put on an amazingly brave facade.

He was lost, and for him, there was no way out of the labyrinth he’d built for himself. There was simply no escape and seeing her – yet again, was a sign for him that his pain was never going to end unless he ENDED it.

So, he did.

I’m not angry at him for not seeing me as he was seeing everything through eyes that were not seeing the world as it truly was.

Mental illness is so very misunderstood. It is so often unnoticed and swept under the carpet. There are those that live and function with it for years without anyone knowing any better. This is what he did. He kept it all on the down-low; nobody really knew. Even when it became very evident something was very, very wrong, it was only the two of us that he let in on his little secret.

So…what do you see when you look at someone? Are you really seeing them for who they are, their struggles and pain?

Look again. Look more closely. You may find they’re living in a dark jungle of half truths and terrible secrets. They do this because society is harsh. They are judged, ridiculed and not taken seriously.

It’s time we really looked at ourselves and the ones we love, a little more clearly.

It’s time we were aware that too many suffer alone.

Eye in the Jungle