Tomorrow Is

Posted by fragmentedpoet on July 24, 2015

Another day to remember him; an opportunity to meet more souls that loved him.

Peeling back the layers of truth and unwinding all of the tightly coiled springs of instant grief is humbling. Every now and then I have a reality check; I remind myself that I was blessed to even know him for the short time that I did because I suspect there was a large possibility this was always going to happen.

I believe we make choices on what we want to experience in each lifetime before we get here. I guess he and I agreed to experience this, together, should he decide to use this exit strategy; clearly that’s what he did. He would have had to agree to experience this with every other soul in his life so…in essence and on a higher soul level, we already knew this was going to be a strong possibility.

So. What do we take from that? What have we learned?

I’m still processing that.

For those of us moving through this journey, we’ve coloured our paths with him differently, so each journey is unique. Thus, each of us is learning about this terrible pain and sorrow in our own way.

It’s like learning how to swim in and ultimately escape quicksand. It’s hellishly difficult but not impossible if you know what you’re doing. Evidently…slow and careful movements are called for.

We’ll get through this, all of us, but there will be scars.

People are confused, broken, cracked open and are having great difficulty really processing exactly just what the hell happened and why it did. Personally, for me, I’ve been thrown off of the life tracks I was on and I’m currently trying to pick myself up and find my footing while getting constantly caught up in-between the rails.

In truth, my heart thinks it’s been shredded. I’m running around trying to find all of the tiny pieces so that I can somehow shove it all back inside my chest. All the King’s horses and all the King’s men are having great difficulty putting Carrie back together, again.

It happened; it’s real. He’s gone and he ain’t comin’ back in the same form that he was in.

He left us in body but he’s still around for us, of this, I’m certain. Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Speak his name out loud and understand that the veil between earth and the afterlife is incredibly thin and close.

As for the why’s…we’ll never really know and understand that but we can and will find an explanation that we can live with. That’s all we can do as this was his path and pain, not ours to understand.

Some days it feels like I’m standing at the bottom of the ocean with the incredible pressure of the sea holding me hostage. Other days it’s as if the big picture reality of everything sinks in and I ‘get it’. I get that this is temporary and so very short in the big scheme of things. I get that we’ll all be together with our loved ones, soon. We’ll all leave this place – just when that is, is the unknown.

I asked the question of why we don’t know this; why aren’t we able to know the time of our impending bodily death? The answer I got was that our choices and experiences would not be as wonderful and enlightening if we did. Instead of living life, we’d be sitting around waiting for ‘that’ to happen so we could return home and probably not pursuing adventures that wouldn’t turn out so well. It defeats the purpose of why we chose to come here, in the first place!

We are here to experience this physical plane in the fullest, most wonderful and amazing way possible. This means every part of life – the good, the bad, the bliss and the pain.

That.

Is why…we are here.

Tomorrow is…another day. Another day to remember why I fell in love with him and be thankful for every single moment that we shared. I’ll be with him, again. When? That’s not for me to know and in the meantime, I need to remember that I have to go out there and love/live…life.

Lost Stars

Posted by fragmentedpoet on July 18, 2015

It was an interesting day.

Sharing memories, tears and laughter with people who came together to honour and love a man who touched all of our hearts in the most beautiful way.

It occurred to me that we’re really all the same, struggling to find our way through this sorrow and as I gazed into new and familiar eyes, I realized we are all cut from the same cloth.

Losing someone you love tears people apart; it rips at the very fabric of bonds that were possibly made in heaven.

But unconditional love…

Now, this jewel, brings us all back together, reuniting souls in our grief and loss, giving us a little closure, perhaps a bit of peace and a whole lot of grace. It reminds us of who we really are. And it shows that the one we loved so much…was truly made from~

Starlight.

Saying Goodbye

Posted by fragmentedpoet on July 17, 2015

Tomorrow is Brian’s first Celebration of life. I think it’s kinda funny that he didn’t want anything but thanks to his ex-wife and best friend, will be having two! Ha. So there. Take that. And thank you, TC for putting in so much effort. I wish I’d been able to help you more.

The past 2.5 months have been the most emotional that I’ve ever experienced in my life. Had you asked me a year ago how I’d feel about losing someone in the way that I did – that I’d only known for all of three months…I could never have told you it would be this bad.

I loved/love that sweet soul with the entirety that is me; it was complete and whole.

I had dinner with a psychologist friend of mine, last night, and he said that most people would have bolted as soon as there was trouble brewing. I realized that I could never have done that even if I’d wanted to. I was just THAT much in love with the guy.

It was crazy/ridiculous/over-the-moon/head-over-heals love. I simply couldn’t help myself. There was a magnetic pull to him that I’ve never experienced, before. I doubt I’ll ever feel it again. It was both frightening and extreme bliss at the same time.

I have so many wishes…if wishes were fishes, I’d be able to fix world hunger. Really.

One of them is that he’s there, with us, tomorrow. I hope, in spirit, he shows up. I think it’s important for him to see that he was loved by so many people. I think it’s important for him to know he won’t ever be forgotten…and most of all:

That HE mattered. He mattered so very much to so many.

His biggest wound with his ex-gf is that he felt he never mattered to her. She told him that he did. I hope she was being truthful. If not, it’s her loss.

There will be a flood of tears. I’m bringing boxes of tissues because I think they will be needed. I hope there will also be smiles and laughter, too, as we share funny stories of the man who brought so much into our lives.

You touched us, Brian. You touched our hearts and souls. We are so very grateful that you did.

Am so very grateful that I was allowed to love you. I learned a lot about myself, from you; you taught me so much about so many things. You just can’t put a measurement on love. It’s bigger than the Universe and everything beyond.

So…even though it’s a ‘goodbye’ of sorts. It really isn’t. I still talk to him, daily. I still hear him in my head. I still believe he’s looking out for those that love him. He’s really still with us…just not in body.

Being the metaphysical/cosmic chick that I am, I believe in life after life. I believe I’ll see him again and be with him, again. I’ve already asked him for a do-over because I don’t think he and I were quite done. My heart tells me that we’ll get one and if it ends, it will never again, end so tragically. My heart tells me that next time…he’ll be able to properly love me back. I know he desperately wanted to and perhaps in the end, he finally did. I’m sure he does, now.

I’m going with that. 🙂

Until next time, my darling…

Today’s lesson is brought to you by the letter “R”.

Posted by fragmentedpoet on July 15, 2015

I’m speaking of Religion.

Ohhhhhh, now I’ve instantly pissed off a bunch of people!

Funny, that. It’s even funnier that I really don’t care.

Let me quantify this with my expressed option (and it’s just that – MY opinion) as well as offer up a disclaimer.

Firstly, I am not religious. That means, I do not belong to any one organized belief system about God. My belief system is base more upon metaphysics. Now, let me define exactly what that means, because, I think a lot of folks don’t understand it.

met·a·phys·ics

ˌmedəˈfiziks/

noun

noun: metaphysics

the branch of philosophy that deals with the first principles of things, including abstract concepts such as being, knowing, substance, cause, identity, time, and space.

There, copied and pasted from the Internet.

Are you still with me?

I like to refer to myself as a cosmic girl. I have many beliefs and theories that resonate with me and there are some aspects of religions that gel with me, too. What I don’t practice – is one, specifically. I also spend an exorbitant amount of time researching and attempting to understand all aspects of life and after life. Seriously, I could send you about a dozen links to what I’m investigating.

Therefore, you could not call me a Christian. Nor could you call me an Atheist.

I do, however, believe in GOD – or the One Source. Or any other name you wish to call it. I also believe we, as souls, are all part of GOD. We are all connected. Each and every one of us, along with every other life form on this little blue-green planet.

We’re all in this together. We are all one – and yes, we’re individual, but all part of THE ONE.

At any rate…again, MY opinion.

I will point out that if your beliefs differ, that’s totally cool with me. I respect that and you. You can believe in whatever you like and if the Hindi faith rocks your boat, go for it! It’s your belief, your path, your heart and life. Not mine.

I don’t judge.

I do, however, resent those that do.

Oh! She’s got a point to all of this…!

Yes, yes, I do.

Something really terrible happened to me (and many others that shared his brief life) just over two months ago. The man I loved and adored left the world in a terrible, terrible way. He chose to take his life.

While the complexity of this situation is steep and almost insurmountable at this stage, it’s a simple fact. He’s gone. He’s gone and those that love him are left here to deal with how we feel. Well, I think I can speak for all of us. It’s complete devastation x about a billion. Scratch that – x about a billion to the 10^th power.

Yes, it’s really, REALLY… THAT bad.

Moving on…

Those that know me and those that I’ve decided to let into my life during the past 49 years (there aren’t very many, I’m choosy) know how I feel about religion. To start preaching to me, YOUR views, especially at a time like this, is seriously disrespectful. It will make me mad.

So, now I’m mad.

I’ve decided it’s not in my best and highest good to have these people in my life. Now, more than ever, I’m standing up for what people believe in and the right to do so. And, oddly enough, this would include YOU!

I’m talking about a lot of things: sexual orientation, personal rights and personal belief structures – I could go on. If there is one thing my mother taught me, well, it’s to: live and let live.

“Each to his own!” she’s always saying.

I like that. It works for me.

As long as you’re not harming anyone else, do whatever the fuck you want.

I don’t judge.

You shouldn’t either.

It’s not up to you. It doesn’t matter if Brian was an Atheist or a Communist. He was neither, by the way, but raised Catholic. It doesn’t matter what YOU believe in. What matters…is that those that loved him are in a shitload of PAIN so intense that if you’ve never experienced it, you should get down on your knees right this moment and pray to whatever God you worship that you never, ever, ever have to go through it.

We don’t need to be told where to find the Lord/Lady. We already know where SHE/HE is and she’s/he’s NOT lost. We don’t need religious Hymns sent to us and to have you jump onto your soap box and start preaching the WORD.

WE – are not interested in YOUR beliefs.

We do, however respect them so – please respect ours.

If you don’t, you will find yourself not included in our lives from this point on. You will find we won’t communicate with you further and you will find that you no longer have us as your friend.

Yes, I’m breaking up with you. Deal with it.

Flying Dragons

Posted by fragmentedpoet on July 14, 2015

Wait…I may have that mixed up.

I love dragonflies. Not because they have the word ‘dragon’ in their name. Although I adore dragons (or, I would if they were real). Not because they kinda look like faeries; but in keeping with the theme of make-believe, I LOVE faeries. And, not because they eat mosquitoes; this is definitely a bonus, though, wouldn’t you say?

I love them because they’re all of those things and seem to possess an inquisitive nature.

On my walk around Burnaby Lake, yesterday evening, I encountered one at rest. He (or she…) was happy to let me delicately slip a finger underneath them and have them rest a bit on my hand. It was super cool and I was kicking myself for not bringing my camera.

It seems to be dragonfly season as they’re everywhere. Fine by me, those pesky, blood-sucking mosquitoes are everywhere, too. Even with the dry weather, if I don’t lather myself with ample ‘OFF’, I’m eaten alive.

I had several of these lovely creatures hover around me, on my walk at different times, as if in a questioning manner. I’d stop and stare. It would do the same, wings beating at the speed of light (or too fast for my eyes to see, at any rate). Then flitting inches from me, scooting off into the unknown; only to return a moment later.

It was enchanting. And, damn! They’re fast!

I could hear the high-pitched and musical hum of luminous, transparent flying appendages and I’m almost certain at one point, there was eye-contact. A quick and meaningful moment of exchange passing between two strangers and species, completely at peace with one another.

Don’t laugh; it could happen.

I was circled, inspected and sized up for better or worse before the beautiful critter went off to do other more interesting things… like eat mosquitoes.

It was a good walk.

It’s the little things that make me smile, stifle my deep grief (if only for a moment or two) and let me remember to be grateful for all of the things in this world.

Like dragonflies. Or flying dragons… *grin*

Wishes

Posted by fragmentedpoet on July 10, 2015

I wish I’d had time to travel a bit with you…maybe somewhere tropical and fun.

I wish I’d laughed with you a hundred times a day.

I wish I’d kissed you longer and deeper.

I wish I’d held you tighter so that you thought I’d never let you go.

I wish I’d told you more that I loved you.

I wish I’d texted you, emailed you, called you more often.

I wish I’d made you smile every hour.

I wish we’d made love every chance we got – and then some.

I wish you’d really understood how perfect you were to me.

I wish I’d held your hand more often (even if you didn’t like it).

I wish I’d tickled you.

I wish I’d confessed that I wanted to marry you, one day. You would have laughed at that…or run for the hills…

I wish I’d known you much longer and shared so much more time in your company. I think I’d volunteer 10 years of my life for that. Possibly more.

I wish we’d played more chess. We both sucked at it…but you sucked less.

I wish I’d written you more poetry, even if it really wasn’t your thing. I know you appreciated it.

I wish you’d have taken me for a spin on your bike (or one of them). It would have scared the shit out of me but it would have been fun.

I wish…

That I had –

One.

Day.

With.

You.

Yellow

Posted by fragmentedpoet on July 3, 2015

Today I’m wearing a pretty yellow dress that a friend had made for me and I, initially, bought it for you. I picked yellow because that’s your favourite colour. I planned to wear it for you when you were still here in this world; now I’ll be wearing it to your Celebration of Life.

I was invited to go to Bali. Then I was un-invited…sort of. The whole thing was disappointing and I ran around like mad trying to put everything into place so I could go. I would have, too, but the person who invited me didn’t really think I’d say ‘yes’. When he realized I was serious about the offer, he back-peddled like mad and then talked both himself and inevitably –me- out of it.

People are always underestimating me. I think you did, too. I don’t think you believed that I’d stick around and be there for you, considering what was going on and who you made this all about. This person whom you couldn’t live with and didn’t think you could live without. It was all a façade to deeper issues…of not loving/liking yourself enough to believe you didn’t need arm candy but a more substantial/meaningful and lasting relationship. The kind you had before you met her.

I get it. You had this super hot girl who everyone wanted and YOU had her. With her, you felt good because if you could score such a pretty and young girl, well then…you just may not be the ogre your mind was telling you – you were.

She made you feel special, she pretended to love you and you fell for that. But, most of all, you wanted to ‘please her’ …because that’s what you do. She’d build you up and then tear you down. It was a pattern that you got used to.

It was all superficial and superfluous. It was all to do with your battered and broken self-worth from God knows when and God only knows what and why. Understand this; long before I even met you – long before you met her.

You were loved.

You were beautiful.

You were funny and treasured and wonderful.

You were exceptional.

You were brilliant and creative and talented.

You were attentive and sweet and had a heart the size of a city.

Today, as I wear yellow, you are very missed… and still – very loved. You are cherished by so many and you will be with us for all of our lives.

In the spring air, when the cherry blossoms are snowing down onto the streets, in the midnight rain…drumming on my flat apartment roof. You’ll be in the morning sunrise and in the evening starlight.

I will see you and do see you, everywhere…

Today I wear yellow. Today I can’t think of anyone but you.

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